| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
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I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive. "What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle," said the man. _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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EAF_fencer3 - Student 
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An old man staggers into a bar, and starts ordering Tequila after Tequila. Finally, he turns around and looks at three men sitting at a table points to the first man, and says, "I slept with your mother!" He gets another Tequila, turns around, and says to the second man "I had oral sex with your mother!" He orders another drink, turns around and says to the third man, "I've been sleeping with your mother for years!" Finally, the men look at each other, get up, walk over to the old man, and say, "Come on dad, you've had enough to drink for one night." _______________ |"Evacuate? In our moment of Triumph? I think you overestimate their chances."|"hurray broccoli!" -Tarpman| |Godson to Carve|Ward of Flamori|Brother to Gunrow| |
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Mune - Student 
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Okay, this is only funny when it's spoken in context, but not written... Okay, so a bartender walks into a bar and walks up to the second bartender. The first bartender says, "I'd like a drink". The second bartender says, "Well, why don't you make it yourself?" And the first one says, "Cause I don't gots not hands!" _______________ Captain Barkeep. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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How do you get 2 piccolos to play in perfect unison? -Shoot one What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion? -Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe What’s the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants? -Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get away from the bassoon recital Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? -So they can park in handicapped spaces What’s the definition of a gentleman? -Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t What do you call someone that hangs out with musicians? -A drummer What did the timpanist get on his/her IQ test? -Drool What do trumpet players use for birth control? -Their personalities What’s the difference between a cello and a viola? -The cello burns longer How does a soprano change a light bulb? -She just holds it and the world revolves around her What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? -The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back Why do bagpipers walk when they play? -To get away from the noise These next 2 are for you Faded  How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? -Give him sheet music What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? -When you plug them in they both suck _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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EAF_fencer3 - Student 
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Here's one- An guy walks into a bar on his way home from work, and decides he's had a bad day, so he has a few drinks. After a while, a few drinks turns into a few dozen, and hours later he wakes up to find that he's stayed well after closing time. He panics, asks the bartender for two bottles of whiskey, which he sticks in his back pockets, and drives home as fast as he can. When he gets there, he opens the door very quietly, and takes off his shoes to tiptoe up the stairs, so as not to wake up his wife and/or children. Suddenly, he slips in his socks, and falls back down the stairs, shattering the two bottles of whiskey in his back pockets. He's so drunk that he doesn't even realize his [er...rear] is all cut up, so he just walks up the stairs, suddenly noticing the trail of blood behind him. He walks up to his bathroom mirror, fixes up the damage as best he can under the circumstances, and goes to bed. In the morning, he wakes up, his head is hurting, his rear is hurting, and his wife looks at him and asks, "You really got loaded last night, didn't you?" Startled, he responds "No, why?" "Well, my first big clue came when I woke up and found fourteen band-aids plastered to the mirror."  _______________ |"Evacuate? In our moment of Triumph? I think you overestimate their chances."|"hurray broccoli!" -Tarpman| |Godson to Carve|Ward of Flamori|Brother to Gunrow| |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.” A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!” The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.” _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Ale'Velkyrii - Student 
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That's a good one, Odin.  _______________ Wanna know what my name means? Peralos Ale'Velkyrii: Perilous Drunken Angel, or PDA for short. Perilous, because I'm bound to get into fights I can't win. Drunken, because ALE! Angel, because a valkyrie is basically an angel of Odin. I'm here to send you to the afterlife, but I can't gurantee I'll be stable enough to win a fight.
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ODIN - Ex-Student 
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Excuses for not going to work. * Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. * When I got up this moring I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john but I feel good about it. * My stigmata's acting up. * I am stuck in the blood pressure machine at walmart. * I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead. _______________ Next time you wave, Use all your fingers! |
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TSND(Taking a break) - Ex-Student 
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I went to a topless bar the other night when it was raining, and my potato got soggy. _______________ In nomine Patris, et Filius, Spiritus sanctus. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'' ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Flamori Athena - Student 
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lol Gabba _______________ «±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±» True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing. |
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Ale'Velkyrii - Student 
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Heh...I've seen that one here and there. It's still a good joke. _______________ Wanna know what my name means? Peralos Ale'Velkyrii: Perilous Drunken Angel, or PDA for short. Perilous, because I'm bound to get into fights I can't win. Drunken, because ALE! Angel, because a valkyrie is basically an angel of Odin. I'm here to send you to the afterlife, but I can't gurantee I'll be stable enough to win a fight.
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Gabba - Ex-Student 
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Why did the chicken cross the road? SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken. GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground. COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. TONY BLAIR I agree with George. HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road,but why it crossed I've not been told. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. TRICIA Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON What is your definition of chicken? THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one? HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n _______________ Sit vis nobiscum. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry. "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Gahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Flamori Athena - Student 
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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms." _______________ «±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±» True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to service the trucker. When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah." The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?" The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Virtue - Jedi Council 
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Ok, simple one for you: A Mental Institute, The Doctor is doing his daily rounds, checking on the patients and comes across one guy that seemed to stand out from the rest. The guy was sitting at the end of his bed, his arms streched out as if holding a wheel. Along with this, he was making noises: "VROOOOOM! VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! EEEEEEEEEEK VROOOOOOOM!" The doctor approached this man and asked "What are you doing?" The Man replied "I'm sick and tired of being stuck in THIS AWFUL place day in, day out! So I'm driving to Argentina for the weekend!!!" Taken back by this statement, the Doctor decides to leave him to it and moves on to the next bed. It was an odd sight indeed. There was a guy lying in bed, with the sheet pulled completely over him, the Man was fidgeting and moving arount constantly whilst letting out rather loud Moans. The Doctor pulled the Sheet back, looked at the guy underneath and asked "And what are YOU doing?" The man looked up at the Doctor and said "While that guy is in Argentina, I'm bangin his Wife!" _______________ Academy Architect |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!'' _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Flamori Athena - Student
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LOL SNIYA _______________ «±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±» True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing. |
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Sniya - Student 
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st.peter was told that today out of every three people trying to get into heaven the one with the worst death should be alwed in. three people arrived. peter asked the first man to recount his death:i had found out my wife had been cheating on me,i rushed home to our apartment to find,her lover,gripping to the windowledge by his fingers.I was so angry that i started jumping on his fingers until he fell.Unfortunly he was saved most of the damage by the bushes.In my anger i then threw a hammer at him.It diddnt kill him so i got the fridge and pushed it out the window-it killed him.I was so discusted in what i had done that i shot myself in the head. peter then asked the second man  k i was having a shower,when i slipped and fell out the window.Luckily i was able to grab a windowledge by the tips of my fingers.But then this lunitic started jumping on my fingers!i fell but fortunately the bushes broke most of my fall.But this lunitic then dropped a hamer on me.It nearly killed me.Just when i thought,God am i lucky to be alive.He dropped a fridge on me and i died.peter then asked the third man: ok picture this youre hiding in a fridge.. _______________ The real question is not whether machines think but whether men do. Bertrand Russell http://www.thejediacademy.net/forums_detail_page.php?f_id=970 |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can't get it up like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, "Have you heard of a new drug named Zyban?" The lady says yes, but adds that her husband refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainyl won't take anything that "will make him feel like less of a man." The doctor advises the woman to slip it into his morning coffee when he isn't looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor insists, "it will cange your life within a day," os she figures she'd better try it. A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor's office and the doctor asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremedous sigh and explains, "I snuck it into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he cleared off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we'd had in 20 years." Perplexed, the doctor asks, "What's wrong with that?" And the lady schakes her head and says, "I don't think i'll be able to show my face at McDonalds again." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Flamori Athena - Student
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A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?" _______________ «±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±» True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing. |
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koushka - Student 
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LOL, Bush or as I call him the shrub _______________ Faithful Padawan of {SKX}Dark Blade My profile pic is luke skywalker
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