| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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Anyone hear of the comic Mitch Hedberg? Here's some quotes from him: I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..." I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Shit. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f*cking relentless. I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "F*ck it. Cut em up." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Axion - Student 
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LOL nice ones billy _______________ Axion - Yeah. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student 
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good ones !!! _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN A HALLMARK STORE: 1. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?" 2. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 3. "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" 4. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 5. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you." 6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." 7. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!" 8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." 9. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." 10. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." 11. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." 12. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." 13. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" 14. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." 15. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep." 16. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas) _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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CuZzA - Student 
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lol at death. omg, i know we had this 1 u plonker lol _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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Stimpski - Student 
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I gotta bump this one. Sorry guys! _______________ Stimpski (formerly known as DeathScythe many, many moons ago.) JA Forum ID - 3988 <insert generic &/OR witty tagline here> |
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Apologetic - Student 
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Mixed messages on that last one _______________ Love GOD and jesus as they love u  [move]We defend the peace and help the helpless we r the mandilorian jedi troops![/move] |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, "That's all I wanted to hear". _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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crazy_hacker - Ex-Student 
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bump! _______________ if at first you dont succeed, try and try again. if you still dont succeed, youve just wasted a whole lot of time trying something you just cant do
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Ulic Belouve - Student 
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NO!!!!! No bump! I want new jokes, you here me, NEW JOKES!!! (oh, and my GF here says I spelled hear wrong. Feh.) _______________ Jedi do not fight for peace. That's only a slogan, and is as misleading as slogans always are. Jedi fight for civilization, because only civilization creates peace. |
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Dicemaster - Student 
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BUMP! _______________ Dicemaster |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table. A tube of K-Y jelly; A rubber glove; and A light-beer. When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse....... "Darn it Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Darkwood - Student 
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lol, nice _______________ -Darkwood- |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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That's a great joke Bubu!!! Thanx! ----- A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as she now just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again standing in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristiclly, the husband comes up with a suggestion, " If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. " Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years." he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years ?" The husband shrugs. "Why not ? It worked for your butt, didn't it ?" ( He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might even walk again.) _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Apologetic - Student
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Man1:"Now whitness the shaved gorilla and his great tricks!" Man 2:"This should be good...." The shaved gorilla walks out Man2:"MOM?!" _______________ Love GOD and jesus as they love u [move]We defend the peace and help the helpless we r the mandilorian jedi troops![/move] |
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Dicemaster - Student 
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LOL at bubu! great joke! _______________ Dicemaster |
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Axion - Student 
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LOL bubu nice one _______________ Axion - Yeah. |
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Apologetic - Student 
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bumpy! _______________ Love GOD and jesus as they love u [move]We defend the peace and help the helpless we r the mandilorian jedi troops![/move] |
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Bubu - Hubbub 
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." _______________ make install -not war |
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Nobel - Ex-Student |
This is only funny if youre danish! but i'll translate it to english, dont expect it to be funny  Danish version: En amerikaner, englænder og en dansker sidder og spiser! Så siger amerikaneren:Give me the sugar,sugar Så siger englænderen: Give me the honey,honey Så siger danskeren: Gi' mig mælken din ko!!!! English version: A dane,Enlish and an American are having dinner: Then the English man Goes: Give me the Honey,honey The American goes: Give me the sugar,sugar And then the dane goes: Give me the milk you cow!!! -Nobel _______________ Quote: Fizz: Omg, one of aratans paddies Bro to: Jacen Aratan, D@RtHM@UL, Sednox And Bail *w00t* !Quote: Darkwood: There is no luck in JK2, only when Jacen wins a duel
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Ulic Belouve - Student 
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Hehe. Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? Plums are purple, elephants are grey How do you put an elephant in the freezer? Open the door and put the elephant in What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants crossing the hill? "Look, there goes a herd of elephants crossing the hill." How do you put a giraffe in the freezer? Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks There's an animal conference, and all the animals are invited. Who doesn't show up? The giraffe, it's in the freezer. What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants crossing the hill? Look, there goes a herd of plums crossing the hill (Jane was colorblind) You go to cross an aligator-infested stream. How do you get across it? Swim, the alligators are at the conference. Finally, after all these jokes, you go to get an ice cream bar from the freezer. What's the first thing you do? Throw out the frozen giraffe. _______________ Jedi do not fight for peace. That's only a slogan, and is as misleading as slogans always are. Jedi fight for civilization, because only civilization creates peace. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. He practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would make him the best. One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man. The young gunman did what he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot the cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man, "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young man didn't hesitate but started putting the grease just on the barrel of the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "but when Billy the Kid gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Apologetic - Student
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LOL!!!!!11111oneoneoneoneect. You may be a red neck if you light your own farts _______________ Love GOD and jesus as they love u [move]We defend the peace and help the helpless we r the mandilorian jedi troops![/move] |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel – it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?” _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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LOL! Thanx Fizz, now I don't have to go searching for this! _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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