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Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!!
Dec 31 1969 06:00pm

Battlin' Billy
 - Student
Battlin' Billy
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself.

_______________
Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment |
Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss
JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend
Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE!

This post was edited by massadoobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm.

Poll
Are these jokes funny?

vote results
Yes!  Keep 'em coming! Yes! Keep 'em coming! [194 votes] [63%]
No!  My dog tells better jokes! No! My dog tells better jokes! [19 votes] [6%]
Some yes, some no. Some yes, some no. [55 votes] [18%]
I have no sense of humor.  What's a joke? I have no sense of humor. What's a joke? [41 votes] [13%]

  Login and add your comment! Previous Comments >
Comments
Jul 03 2012 07:16pm

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Jul 03 2012 07:15pm

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Jul 03 2012 07:14pm

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Jul 12 2011 09:47am

Laziana
 - Jedi Instructor
 Laziana

ah yes, silk. keep em coming. i kinda missed them jokes of yours
_______________
Proud owner of Buster Senatu's 200th & 300th, Muro's 370th, Maher's 2100th, Henkes' 1639th, Johauna's 400th, 666th and 900th, Sho Koon's 2000th and Kain Sol's 600th comment Download Laziana's lightsaber here! Glory to Arstozka!

This comment was edited by Laziana on Jul 12 2011 09:48am.

Jun 30 2011 10:11pm

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.
Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it.
You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really?
Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Jun 30 2011 10:11pm

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Jun 30 2011 10:10pm

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea.
One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Jun 30 2011 10:10pm

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Jun 14 2011 06:51am

EAF_fencer3
 - Student
 EAF_fencer3

The Pittsburgh Pirates?
_______________
|"Evacuate? In our moment of Triumph? I think you overestimate their chances."|"hurray broccoli!" -Tarpman| |Godson to Carve|Ward of Flamori|Brother to Gunrow|

Aug 11 2010 12:10am

Silya Beedoess
 - Student
 Silya Beedoess

I've got one!!
Why did the tomato turn red???
Because he saw the saled dressing.
_______________
I read up alot on the Star Wars characters,so if you want to know more about one of them I'm the fan to talk to.
Kit Fisto and General Grievous are also my favorite characters of them all.
May the force forever be with you.
-Silya Beeodess


Jul 30 2010 05:02pm

Eckyman
 - Student
 Eckyman

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed!"
_______________
Padawan of Xanatos "You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him." - Steve Zissou

Jul 17 2009 04:54pm

Nightfire
 - Student
 Nightfire

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
_______________
-Need a light?
My 362:nd post was a joke :D
LAIHELA


May 17 2009 05:19pm

firefromhell
 - Student
 firefromhell

yo mammas so hairy the only language she speaks IS WOOKIE *wookie noises* :D
_______________
Lava is my ally. water is my foe

May 16 2009 06:19pm

Nightfire
 - Student
 Nightfire

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
_______________
-Need a light?
My 362:nd post was a joke :D
LAIHELA


Mar 31 2009 06:38pm

Nightfire
 - Student
 Nightfire

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.
_______________
-Need a light?
My 362:nd post was a joke :D
LAIHELA


Mar 07 2009 08:15pm

SaZ
 - Student
 SaZ

This is for Oblivion fans.

I installed this free 2d mmo game called Red Stone today. Selected a class and then i had to choose a name... i thought... screw it ill call my char - SANGUINE. So i log in and the first thing i hear from other player is...

SANGUINE, MY BROTHER.
_______________
playing jk3 since 30th of january (2005), member since 1st of february. [Unofficial Master to Vision and Z�diac ] If you can make a fool of yourself infront of 300 people you can do anything - Jaiko D'kana

Feb 12 2009 06:01pm

Kenwan Obiobi
 - Student

Two blondes are on their way to Disneyland in their beautiful, gorgeous, amazing.......PINK convertible car.


They come across a crossroads which says:


"Disneyland: LEFT"



So they go home...

Feb 08 2009 01:19pm

Nightfire
 - Student
 Nightfire

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.
_______________
-Need a light?
My 362:nd post was a joke :D
LAIHELA


Dec 22 2008 10:18am

Maher
 - Jedi Knight
 Maher

Quote:
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn responded, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....


...all the band-aids stuck on the mirror."


This cracked me up... lol!
_______________
Still here | My Lightsaber

Dec 22 2008 08:27am

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Dec 22 2008 08:25am

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn responded, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....


...all the band-aids stuck on the mirror."
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

Dec 08 2008 11:55pm

Cuthalion
 - Padawan
 Cuthalion

Quote:
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


LOL! Impossible.
_______________
<MaherSenatu> guh... you are just... I'll keep sure that your kind of people will never be knights... <MaherSenatu> That's my mission... Master to Kain Sol

Dec 05 2008 11:25am

Nightfire
 - Student
 Nightfire

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"
_______________
-Need a light?
My 362:nd post was a joke :D
LAIHELA


Nov 26 2008 07:06pm

none
 - Student

not sure if we can do blond jokes here cause they're stereotypical but here goes.

so one day a blonde woman is driving in her new sedan when a hail storm brews up. giant hail begins to land on the car and create large dents in the plating. upset about this she decides to take her car into the shop to fix the dents. The mechanic, seeing that this woman's Blonde decides to have a little fun. so he says "oh all you need to do is blow into the exhaust pipe and the dents will just pop back to normal". So the blonde goes back home, parks her car in the garage and starts blowing into the exhaust pipe. Her boyfriend comes out, sees his girlfriend blowing into the exhaust pipe of her car and asks what she's doing. She tells him what the mechanic told her and he says "That's not going to work...."
than her roomate comes out and says "of course not you have to roll up the windows first!"
_______________
none

Nov 26 2008 09:32am

SilkMonkey
 - Distributor of Cold Ones
 SilkMonkey

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
_______________
|-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005)

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