| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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Carbonel - Student |
IS that a challenge silk monkey? |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones 
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Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter. 'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones 
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An Irish Point of View on the Election race..
We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States . On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship. What are you lads thinking over there?' _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?" Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles." So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?" Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest." So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel." _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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Carbonel - Student |
A four year old and a seven year old talked in their room about how they are grown up now. "It about time we better start cussing" said seven year old Johnny. Four year old Andrew nodded aimlessesly not really knowing what cuss words meant. The seven year old continued, "When we go downstairs for breakfast tomorrow morning, I will say a sentence with hell and you will say a sentence with ass". The next morning, their mother greeted them in the kitchen by asking what they wanted for breakfast. Johnny said, "Aw hell mom I'll take some cheerios". In response to this, their mother spanked him, yelled at him, and sent him up to his room with no breakfast and was to be grounded for the day. The mom then turned to Andrew and said, "What would you like for breakfast?". Andrew, still shaking and confused about his brother's mishap, said, "I dont know, but you can bet your fat ass it wont be cheerios." This comment was edited by Carbonel on Jul 04 2008 05:41am. |
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Carbonel - Student |
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" |
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Carbonel - Student |
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house." |
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CuZzA - Student 
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'You have to take your hat off to the first man who ate an egg, don't you?
I mean, it pops out of a chicken's arse and this pervert thinks "Wow, I bet that tastes nice"' _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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Shang Chi - Student 
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LOL _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. |
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Carbonel - Student |
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. |
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CuZzA - Student 
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New in Russia:
'JT-VDKA Bottled in Moscow' ---------------------- So, Rio had a peek inside the European Cup last night. And, to his surprise, there was a chocolate orange sitting at the bottom. He said, "It's not Terry's, it's mine!" ---------------------- I find it amazing that, despite losing the Champions League final, Avram Grant still looked as happy as ever. ---------------------- http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e122/mrsbeak/terry.jpg _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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The Killer 9000 - Student 
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1.i wonderd why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
2.did you haear about the guy who got his left side cut off, hes all right now! 3.i coudent quite rremember how to throw a boomerang, then it came back to me. 4.there was a sign on the lawn at a drug-re-hab senter that read :"keep off the grass" _______________ "I am Neither Light nor Dark but rather gray, i have embraced both paths of life, and it has made me stronger..." |
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Ulic Belouve - Student 
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An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees. 'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian man. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere youa go.' The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.' The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and poopa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data maka' one hundred. So, whenna I start? _______________ Jedi do not fight for peace. That's only a slogan, and is as misleading as slogans always are. Jedi fight for civilization, because only civilization creates peace. |
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Aidan® - Aidan 
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that nurse is a bitch _______________ Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me. |
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CuZzA - Student
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A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!" _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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Nightfire - Student 
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Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA |
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Ulic Belouve - Student
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2 guys in a car, both drunk. The drunk driver finds his way into the wrong lane, get's pummeled by cars, thus killing them both.
The passenger awakes to see himself in a bright white city. Looks around thinking "How'd I get here?". Walking down the only road ahead, he encounters St. Peter. The great Saint tells him, "Son, for your deeds in life, you get your choice of eternities. Why not look around here, and if you're curious, this telescope will show you a glimpse of hell too." He walks into heaven, looks into a building, and sees people silently meditating as a soft organ plays. He steps over to the telescope, and what does he see, but his friend, the driver, sitting on a barstool, beer in each hand, hot girl on each knee. He politely tell St. Peter, "It's nothing personal; I've no issues with you, or this city, but I think hell would be a better fit for me." "Say no more." Peter replies, snapping his finger and causing a portal to appear. Guy walks through the door, which vanishes after he passes through, makes his way into the bar and waves to his friend. "Hey what's up?" "Non' much, good to see yas", his friend says, passing him a beer and a girl. "Well, to eternity!" he shouts as they clash cans and attempt to take a swig. "He-ey! Um..there's no hole in this beer." the confused guy (passenger) says. Sounding like a man driven insane, his friend informs him "Yea. You wanna know somethin' else? There's no hole in her either." _______________ Jedi do not fight for peace. That's only a slogan, and is as misleading as slogans always are. Jedi fight for civilization, because only civilization creates peace. |
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ZantuS - Student 
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Tshernobyl! said a Russian when he farted. _______________ Happiness is the ability to say "So what?" |
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Nightfire - Student 
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A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA |
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Nightfire - Student
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA |
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Nightfire - Student
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A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA |
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Nightfire - Student
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA |
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Ulic Belouve - Student
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Vacuum Salesman:
A door to door salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to do anything, he dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning up this horses*it, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup with that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." _______________ Jedi do not fight for peace. That's only a slogan, and is as misleading as slogans always are. Jedi fight for civilization, because only civilization creates peace. |
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Ulic Belouve - Student 
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first date came to the door and said,
''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'' "No," the farmer said. The second date came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?'' "No." The third date came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.'' The farmer shot Chuck. _______________ Jedi do not fight for peace. That's only a slogan, and is as misleading as slogans always are. Jedi fight for civilization, because only civilization creates peace. |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.' They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc. 'Didn't my idea work?' 'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd fina a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer. So what's the problem?' asked the Doc. 'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started'. _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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