| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
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I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Jaina D'Kana - Jedi Instructor 
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 _______________ INTP |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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OK, it's Double Big Pig Bonus Day: Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Yom Kippur, but tonight the Yankees are in the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankees fan. I've got to watch the Yankees game on TV." Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for." Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Yom Kippur?" ----- A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Apologetic - Student 
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This thread shall not leave the first page! There was a chicken in the middle of the room and then there was a chicken and a guy then a chicken and a guy and a pan.Then a chicken and a guy and a ding* and then a a guy a pan and a football game. I kno makes no sense but o well _______________ Love GOD and jesus as they love u [move]We defend the peace and help the helpless we r the mandilorian jedi troops![/move] |
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CuZzA - Student 
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why did the dinosaur cross the road? Cos Chickens hadn't been invented yet! _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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CuZzA - Student 
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AHHHH HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartender says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?'' _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Dicemaster - Student 
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They say that christifer columbus was the first democrat, when he left for america he didn't know where he was going, when he got there he didn't know where he was, and he did it all on a government grant! Q: how many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:13, 1 to hold the bulb and 12 to get so drunk the room starts spinning Q: how many band directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: who knows no one is ever watching Q: whats the difference between a drummer and a 14 inch pizza? A: a 14 inch pizza can feed a family of 4 Q: how do you know you have a drummer at your door? A: he never knows when to come in and the nocks keep getting faster and faster Q: how do you get two flutes to play in unison? A: shoot one Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain? A: Gifted Two drummers walk into a bar... which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it. Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A: His personality! Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!" A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". Q: how do you make a drummer slow down? A: put a music stand in front of them Q: how do you make a drummer slow down even more? A: put a piece of paper on that stand Q: how do you make a drummer stop completly? A: put notes on that sheet Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level? A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth. I know its a bit long, and kinda mean to drummers, but thats ok cuz i'm in band, and i'm a drummer myself, so no biggy _______________ Dicemaster This comment was edited by Dicemaster on Oct 05 2003 05:44am. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven? A: Hell was full. Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on. _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Stimpski - Student 
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Top 10 Signs your an Internet Geek 10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food. 6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you. 5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications". 3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server". 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!" And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek: 1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!" _______________ Stimpski (formerly known as DeathScythe many, many moons ago.) JA Forum ID - 3988 <insert generic &/OR witty tagline here> |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. "If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog." "Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Fizz of Belouve - Student 
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good one  @ Jaina: about ur impression thingy... its vice versa _______________ One of the Belouve boys, founder of the mighty FiZZsters Midbie council #20 - Fizz - #1933 - Jan '03 - Aug '04 "Renfield, you idiot!" |
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Ulic Belouve - Student 
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Simply since I read so much, I should contribute... Nothing like real life happenings as jokes, so... Lockheed Martin, aeroframe manufacturer, in an attempt in years past to perfect their aerospace engineering, sought to overcome one of the main problems of subsonic and sonic flight: collision with birds. This would usually cause the windshield to shatter or crack. Consulting with another firm that had experience in this area, they got detailed information from NASA. NASA had perfected a windshield for their space shuttle, and it had been tested and proven for many years. So Lockeed set up and began their attempts. Their plan was set up to launch chickens at the windshield of the plane, at speeds simulating normal plane speeds. After the first attempt, the windshield shattered completely. Lockeed sent their findings to NASA for comparison. NASA was puzzled, but sent a few corrections. On the second attempt, the windshield shattered again. It took a month of analysis, but a report came back from NASA again, with a few more adjustments that they were certain would fix the problem. Again, in a third attempt, the chicken shattered the windshield on impact. Lockheed sent very detailed results to NASA for whatever aid they could give. With these hefty results, NASA gave a quick, three word reply to Lockheed Martin: Thaw the chickens. _______________ Jedi do not fight for peace. That's only a slogan, and is as misleading as slogans always are. Jedi fight for civilization, because only civilization creates peace. |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Santa Claus 7Y< - Ex-Student 
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oopsy have we had that one?? my bad  ill look for a better one, most of mine a pub jokes, so not good less u had a few _______________ Tycster Smooth on the Outside Crunchy on the inside OFFICIAL JA PRESENT BUYER POST YOUR XMAS LISTS IN MY PROFILE!! -== And Yes i Will be adding to my Good and Bad lists soon==- |
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Jaina D'Kana - Jedi Instructor
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ah that one again and flamori _______________ INTP |
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Santa Claus 7Y< - Ex-Student
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2 Nuns are driving down the road when a vampire jumps out in front of them and shouts "I want to suck your Blood" One nun gets worried and says to the other "help what shall i do" The Other nun says "quick show him your cross" So she winds down the window and shouts "Piss off you Tw*t" not my greatest but hey _______________ Tycster Smooth on the Outside Crunchy on the inside OFFICIAL JA PRESENT BUYER POST YOUR XMAS LISTS IN MY PROFILE!! -== And Yes i Will be adding to my Good and Bad lists soon==- |
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Flamori Athena - Student 
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have you tried, Jaina? What Not To Say To A Cop 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school. 9. I pay your salary. 10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum! 12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist. 13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. 14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you. 15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. 18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me. 19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. _______________ «±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±» True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing. |
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Jaina D'Kana - Jedi Instructor 
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dont know if this has been done before... HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: 1. Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her, 15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her, 19. go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 1.Show up naked. 2. Bring beer. _______________ INTP |
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Sniya - Student 
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i once saw a chamealon cross a rubix cube,it nearly had a nervous breakdown. _______________ The real question is not whether machines think but whether men do. Bertrand Russell http://www.thejediacademy.net/forums_detail_page.php?f_id=970 |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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LOL!!! Nice ones Buzz!!! And I agree, John Wayne was NOT gay! --- One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, f***ing beautiful!'" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Buzz - Student 
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JOHN WAYNE WAS NOT GAY!! #1. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican Army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money. The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans. #2. Q - Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? A - The next day the headline read, "Small Medium at Large!" #3. A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She then turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself" He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight". #4. Q - Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors? A- Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. #5. Pirate Humor - This pirate walks into a bar with an eye patch, a hook instead of a hand, and a peg leg. He sits at the bar and the tender says "Man, looks like you've had a rough life. What happened?" The pirate replies "ARRR An alligator bit off me leg and now I walk around on this wooden peg." "Whoa, that must have hurt! Is that happened to your hand too?" "No," replied the Pirate. "Me matey and I were in a fight and he cut it off with his cutlass, so now I wear this hook." "Well, what about your eye?" "ARRRR one day a gull flew overhead and pooped in me eye." The Bartender pauses to think about this then asked "How did a seagull pooping in your eye cause you to lose it?" "Well, 'twas the first day with me hook." _______________ When you are going through Hell, keep going. -Sir Winston Churchill. Those who seek power and control of others, no matter the level, no matter the intentions, should never be given it. |
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Rosie - Student 
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heheheh lol niceones A police officer saw a car speeding... A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway. He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving. The cop yelled, "Pull over!" The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!" |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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Sorry I haven't been around much, but I'm glad to see you guys posting jokes. OK, here's a new one: A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's anus. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again... just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any a**hole can sing country music." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Stimpski - Student 
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Questions Not to Ask in Foreign Countries IRELAND “Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?” FRANCE “Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?” ITALY “Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ” POLAND “Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?” GERMANY “Is this bratwurst kosher?” TURKEY “Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?” KOREA “Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?” CHINA “This wall isn’t so great.” ENGLAND “Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?” SWEDEN “Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?” YEMEN “Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?” INDIA “You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?” ETHIOPIA “After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!” CANADA “You’re like Americans without money.” SPAIN “So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?” SOUTH AFRICA “I liked it better the other way.” MEXICO “What's that smell?” SAUDI ARABIA “Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?” RUSSIA “Is it always this cold and economically devastated?” UZBEKISTAN “Can you spell Uzbekistan?” GREECE “I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy." AFGHANISTAN “Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?” JAPAN “What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?” AUSTRALIA “How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?” AMERICA “Was John Wayne gay?” _______________ Stimpski (formerly known as DeathScythe many, many moons ago.) JA Forum ID - 3988 <insert generic &/OR witty tagline here> |
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