| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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JamesF1 - Student 
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C-3PO - that is really not called for  _______________ Website |
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Apologetic - Student 
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One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!" --------- For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." --------------- Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit." ------------- A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit." _______________ Love GOD and jesus as they love u  [move]We defend the peace and help the helpless we r the mandilorian jedi troops![/move] |
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Axion - Student 
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LOL send her to the condo!!  _______________ Axion - Yeah. |
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Shang Chi - Student 
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A lawyer addresses an all male jury: "Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her Oceanside Beach condo, Ocean City, telephone number 555-4531?" _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. |
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Axion - Student
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LOL SHANG!!!  _______________ Axion - Yeah. |
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Shang Chi - Student
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Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f#*k do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f#*king way! TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be s&#tting me! TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a s&#t. TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f#*king problem. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f#*k? TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This s&#t won't work. TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat s&#t and die! TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass! TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F#*k it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass. TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me! TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f#*k you're doing. Thank You, Human Resources _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. |
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Shang Chi - Student 
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Cafeteria: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria" meaning to retch. _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student 
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ROFL _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Notation - Student 
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ROFL! |
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Garos - Student 
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HAHAHAHAHAahahahaha... eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! |
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Flash - Student 
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Owned. |
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Plo Koon - Student 
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omfg...... _______________ Free Tibet! Click this link,and learn Here too |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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LOL!!! Thanx for all the jokes Shang, they're great! ---- Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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DJK - Student 
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LOL! |
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Shang Chi - Student
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A man walks into his office and his secretary looks at him and says, "T.G.I.F.". The man looks at her and says, "S.H.I.T." The secretary is set back and looks at him again with a big smile and says, "T.G.I.F.". The man looks at her and shakes his head and says, "S.H.I.T.". By this time the secretary is really getting put off and says once again, "T.G.I.F. Thank Goodness It's Friday." The man looks at her with a disappointing look and says, "S.H.I.T. Sorry Honey It's Thursday." _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. |
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Lord Jaws - Student 
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rotf shang _______________ One night, I was lying in my bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself: "Where the h*** is my ceiling?! |
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Shang Chi - Student
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel dangling from his zipper. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you've got a wheel hanging outta your zipper!" The pirate replies "Aaargghh! I know, it's drivin' me nuts!" _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. This comment was edited by Shang Chi on Jun 07 2004 11:50pm. |
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Shang Chi - Student
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Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first." _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. |
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DJK - Student 
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LOL @ Apo |
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_cmad_ - Ex-Student 
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rofl btw billy i had heard that one but it was different btw2: you did a silly mistake Quote: The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. if you want 4 pieces, you "whoosh" 2 times. If you woosh 4 times, you cut it into 16 pieces. And you gotta be pretty damn good to do that _______________ Your friends of today, are your enemies of tomorrow. |
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Apologetic - Student 
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One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth floor which had a woman already in it. The man looks at the woman and says, "You have the most beautiful hair!" The woman, angrily gets out on the next floor and takes the stairs. The next day the same man comes on the elevator on the fourth floor and sees the woman again. "Your hair! It looks so smooth and silky!" Furious, the woman gets off the next floor and decides again to take the stairs. The day after that, the same man and woman end up on the elevator again. "I just really have to say that your hair smells amazing!" The woman looks at the man and at a lost for words, storms out of the elevator. That day at the office she is appraoched by her boss who sees that she is distressed. "What's the matter?" he asks. "This whole week, you have come to work late and very upset." "Well every day a man, the same man, tells me on the elevator that my hair smells really good," the woman replies. "What's wrong with that?" her boss inquires. Which she yells, "He is a midget!" --------------------- A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.” Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?” -------------- A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" “He said you're going to die," she replied. _______________ Love GOD and jesus as they love u [move]We defend the peace and help the helpless we r the mandilorian jedi troops![/move] |
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Stimpski - Student 
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Ouch. That one hurts, Billy. I feel for the little gnat. _______________ Stimpski (formerly known as DeathScythe many, many moons ago.) JA Forum ID - 3988 <insert generic &/OR witty tagline here> |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student
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I still own the 1000th comment, everyone saw I got it first! HAIL TO THE KING *points to JJ* _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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CuZzA - Student 
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What do you call a 1 eyed dinosour? do-ya-think-he-saw-us? _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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