| Rouge! | |
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The Killer 9000 - Student  |
ok im kinda new to this so any constructive critisim would be VERY appreitated!
ok here it goes: it was a hot and unusually dry day, we drove down the streets of cape coral, florida. it was a strangely calm day and me and my partner nick were an our toes just waiting for something to happen. we were part of an eleite unit in this neighbor hood ,there has been an extrodronarly high concentration of crime so it was suprising that we havent been shot at! it would figure that as soon as we started to relax we got a call to a pawn shop. that wasnt the worst part. what was was the fact that i sent my brother to buy us a decent gun from there today!!! "PUNCH IT!"i yelled to nick! "RIGHT!" a thousand screams shouted from the tires and we sped off to the pawn shop. when we got there there were already a few cops on thew scene. i got out of the car and was stopped by the sargent of my spuad. "what?" "youre off this mission" "WHAT!?" "you heard me we fear that your brothers involvment in this may cloud your judgement" "fine" my voice trailed off... i got home and got my custom made bullet-proff jaket from my closet. i found they come in handy when under fire! i drove up to the pawn shop i stoped just 3 bloks away and left my car there. i walked uo to the back door of the cheap shop i pushed it a little and the hinges conformed to my hand. i took 4 steps into the dark, cold and seemingly dead room there was only one person there a gaurd holding what seemed to be and AK-47. i slowly stepped through the room pu tmy hand on his mouth and stabbed him 3 thimed th the throat he fell in a puddle of red death! i looke dhtrough a hole in the door that looks into the main room. there were 4 guys they all had black ski masks on. there was one who was screaming to the police. the others were simply standing there looking menacing. i was at a loss of what to do my mind was swirlind with thoughts the only thoughts i could hold on to were split after miliseconds. i dont know what happend but it did i just lost controll i blasted through the door gund-a'-blazin' 5 lucky shots hit one of the men he hell next to a civilan. i regained controll and rembered my training i aimed and sprayed the boss down with lead casings. the other two tried to kill me but my armor saved me. thats when S.W.A.T. kicked the door down and barrled down the other two. will be continued...  _______________ "I am Neither Light nor Dark but rather gray, i have embraced both paths of life, and it has made me stronger..." This post was edited by The Killer 9000 on Sep 02 2007 07:49pm. |
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Augusta_Mintaka - Student 
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Quote:
Quote:
It's not bad, but you really need to proof read. At least average grammar (paper wise, not internet wise) should be used in literature work. It makes the it seem more attractive in terms of reading (people are more likely to read something with fair grammar usage than the usual net jargon). Anyways, make it longer and I'll vote. A tad too short to judge right now.
Speaking of grammar? (oh and Pirates>Ninjas) Surprising enough, that was part of my edit. I used the word ''work'' twice in a row and it bothered me. So I added ''it'', but forgot to delete ''the.'' Go figure. _______________ "Deos fortioribus adesse." This comment was edited by Augusta_Mintaka on Sep 02 2007 07:12pm. |
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The Killer 9000 - Student 
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i will take your advice and profread it thanx! _______________ "I am Neither Light nor Dark but rather gray, i have embraced both paths of life, and it has made me stronger..." This comment was edited by The Killer 9000 on Sep 02 2007 08:17pm. |
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Pink_Mintaka - Student 
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Quote: It's not bad, but you really need to proof read. At least average grammar (paper wise, not internet wise) should be used in literature work. It makes the it seem more attractive in terms of reading (people are more likely to read something with fair grammar usage than the usual net jargon). Anyways, make it longer and I'll vote. A tad too short to judge right now.
Speaking of grammar? |
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Augusta_Mintaka - Student 
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It's not bad, but you really need to proof read. At least average grammar (paper wise, not internet wise) should be used in literature work. It makes the it seem more attractive in terms of reading (people are more likely to read something with fair grammar usage than the usual net jargon). Anyways, make it longer and I'll vote. A tad too short to judge right now. _______________ "Deos fortioribus adesse." This comment was edited by Augusta_Mintaka on Sep 02 2007 06:11am. |
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IRON SHADOW JEDI - Ex-Student 
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it needs more for me to vote but i like it so far _______________ If a person is brave, they become great If the person is great, they become Shadow Jedi Shadow Jedi are the truly free force religion Freedom of emotion, passion, knowledge, and combat |
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