| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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Shadow Warrior - Student 
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ROTFLMAO!!! _______________ - Shadow Warrior |
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Lord Jaws - Student 
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amd what have you learned from star wars???
380 points can I give you.. http://academy.jediknightii.net/forums_detail_page.php?f_id=1707 _______________ One night, I was lying in my bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself: "Where the h*** is my ceiling?! This comment was edited by Lord Jaws on Apr 10 2003 03:53pm. |
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Lord Jaws - Student 
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Lol, that is funny...
Why Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe 10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun." 9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp. The Millenium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie. 8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After enduring Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. 7) One word: lightsabers. 6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. 5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not. 4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. 3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. 2) The Federation would have to interrupt whatever it's doing just to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I. 1) Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it. _______________ One night, I was lying in my bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself: "Where the h*** is my ceiling?! |
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Shadow Warrior - Student 
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ROFL! _______________ - Shadow Warrior |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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Funny stuff Jaws!
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution to escape a possible conflict, even when smashed. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. "Why?" I asked her. She said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted. _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Lord Jaws - Student
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Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic
Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedimaterial; Rose is just marriage bait. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyedamphibians to Admiral. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt. Two words: John Williams. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"? If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie." Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"? Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg! _______________ One night, I was lying in my bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself: "Where the h*** is my ceiling?! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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*DISCLAIMER* If you're a Blonde, these are just jokes and no disrespect meant!
She's a Blonde because: - she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it - she thought a quarterback was a refund - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats - under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics" - she tried to drown a fish - she tripped over a cordless phone - she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" - she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind - she got stabbed in a shoot-out - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK" - she sat on the tv and watched the couch - she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death - if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back - they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius" - she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store - it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless - she studied for a blood test - and failed - she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train - she sold the car for gas money - when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead - when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student 
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Once upon a very boring day in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God: "Lord, I have a problem."
"What seems to be the problem, Adam?" God replies. "Lord," Adam complained, "I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this wonderful food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a woman like, Lord?" "A 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created," said God proudly. "She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice. "Wow!" exclaimed Adam. "A 'woman' sounds fantastic!" "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam wonders. "She'll cost you an eye, an ear, a testicle and a rib." Adam pondered this for quite a long time, and with a look of deep thought at concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Aaaah... What can I get for just a rib?" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Darth Scary - Ex-Student 
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A little boy is walking down the road with a big bottle of acid in his hand.A priest sees him and stops to tell him off.'Why are you playing with acid my son?' the priest asks,'when i was your age i devoted my life to god, now i have been graced by his powers and if i dip my hand in holy water and place it on a womans stomach, she will pass a baby'. 'Thats nothing' says the boy 'if i place my hand in this acid and place it on my cats ass it will pass a motorbike!' _______________ When the doors of perception are cleansed, then we shall see things as they truly are! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Sure is hard to fool them flies though.” _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Bubu - Hubbub 
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hihihihi... keep them coming  _______________ make install -not war |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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LOL!!!!!!!
An old country doctor went deep into the woods to deliver a baby. The cabin was so remote that it had no electricity. Upon arriving, the doctor realized that the laboring mother and her five-year-old child were the only people there. With no one else to help him, the doctor finally instructed the child to hold a lantern so he could see to deliver the baby. The child was happy to help, and held the lantern high while the mother pushed. After a little while, the baby was born, and the doctor held the newborn by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. With the excitement over, the doctor asked the five-year-old for an opinion about the baby. "Hit him again," the five-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!" _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Fizz of Belouve - Student 
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adam and eva are standing in front of god.
"I have yet to abilities to donate each of you", god says. "What are they ?", Adam wants to know. "The first one is the ability to pee while standing...", replies god. "mee mee mee I want it I want it", exclaims Adam like a little school-boy. "So, what is the other one ?", asks Eva "The ability to have multiple orgasms." ***** An elephant walks up to a camel. "Why are your boobs on your back ?" "Dumb question by someone who's dick is in his face." ***** Whats more important, luck or health ? Health. The people onboard the Titanic were all healthy
***** The UN-ambassodor of Saudi-Arabia has just finished his speech and goes outside, where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and have a little chat. "Well, Mr. President, my son has recently seen this "Star Trek" on TV. Now there are russions, japanese, black, white and red people, but no arabs", says the ambassador. "Well,", answers the President, "this is because it is set in the future...." ***** Assumed Saddam and Bush are both drowning in a lake, and you only have time to safe one of them. Would you rather go for a snack or a coffee ? ***** Who believes in telecinetic shall lift my left hand! ***** Bush and Blair are meeting for dinner in the White House alongside some other guests. "Mr President, what are you doing the whole day ?", a guest wants to know. "Well, we've been busy planning the third world war." "The third world war ?" "Yes,", answers the President, "we're gonna kill 6 million moslems and a dentist" The guest looks very confused: "Why the dentist ?" Tony Blair pats Bush on the back: "I told you, noone would bother about the moslems" ***** (all in good fun, of cours) _______________ One of the Belouve boys, founder of the mighty FiZZsters Midbie council #20 - Fizz - #1933 - Jan '03 - Aug '04 "Renfield, you idiot!" |
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Lord Jaws - Student
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lol .that;s funny, got 1 like that
a man comes in a bar and ask for a beer, and drinks it up very fast, then he says:"Quiq, give me another bevore the trouble begins". this goes on about 10 beers, then the bartender askes: "EY!, when do u gonna pay?". and the man naswers:"here begins the trouble!" _______________ One night, I was lying in my bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself: "Where the h*** is my ceiling?! |
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Bubu - Hubbub 
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ROFL!! billy, all these jokes are great, keep it coming
here's one from me: A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." _______________ make install -not war |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do. _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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Top 20 Ways to Say "Your Fly is Open"
20) The cucumber has left the salad. 19) I can see the gun of Navarone. 18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 16) You've got Windows in your laptop. 15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. 13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 11) Your pod bay door is open. 10) Elvis Junior has left the building. 9) Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6) Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary". 4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? ...and the Number 1 way to say "Your fly is open", 1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts! _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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A little bunny is frolicking in the woods. In his travels, he comes across a bear crapping. The bear asks the bunny, "Do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur?"
"No." the bunny replies. Then the bear picks him up and wipes his butt with the bunny. _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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LOL @ both of those!
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll two test-tickles." _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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Dammerung - Student |
5 funny things to do at kmart (ps: ive done moast of these  )
1. make a trail of orange juice leading to the bathrooms. 2. use the security camera lense as a mirror to pick your nose. 3. hide in the clothing aisles and when people come browsing by, speak in a soft high-pitched voice: pick mee!! pick mee!! 4. put a tent up in the outdoor/sports area and only agree to let people in if they bring pillows from the household area 5. walk up to an employee and whisper in his/her ear: code yellow in aisle 4 _______________ "It's over Anakin! This high ground adds +5 to my agility!" "HAX!" |
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Buzz - Student 
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yeah know that one, its considered the world's funniest joke if you would believe it. There was an actual study and that was determined to be it. Of course they probably couldn't use any dirty jokes. _______________ When you are going through Hell, keep going. -Sir Winston Churchill. Those who seek power and control of others, no matter the level, no matter the intentions, should never be given it. |
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Fizz of Belouve - Student 
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well, u probably know this one, but anyway:
two hunters go out to hunt, suddenly one drops to the floor consciousless. The second guy, in panic, grabs his mobile phone and calls a doctor. "My mate has just dropped to the ground.. He's not breathing. I believe he's dead !" "Calm down", the doctor said, "First of all, make sure he's dead." Then, nothing is heard for a long time, then a shot. "Ok,", said the hunter, "what's next ?" _______________ One of the Belouve boys, founder of the mighty FiZZsters Midbie council #20 - Fizz - #1933 - Jan '03 - Aug '04 "Renfield, you idiot!" |
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Battlin' Billy - Student
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There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!” _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
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